Time will tell

It's going to be another 3 weeks or so before I leave for airgrading, guess that leaves me with what mog describes as the "long goodbye". Maybe I shouldn't be so sentimental about the departure, it is only going to be a month away for me. But I can't help but feel the finality of it. And what the trip entails, like the rest of my life, just makes me feel more apprehensive about it.

I used to dream about flying in a jet, ala Top Gun and all the cool fighter jet shows of the 90s. And seeing those space shuttle launches made me even more starry eyed, wondering if I'd ever get the chance to fly and then soar to the heavens. It's those dreams that make me who I am today, a pilot trainee now drumming his fingers in anticipation of the coming test, whether I get to be a fighter pilot and maybe even more.

But like I told those interviewers at Air Force recruitment, I grew up, and now I wonder how much of that starry eyed boy I still have in me. In the years of RI and RJC, I saw how much was needed to be done on the ground, and my wings fall away. I saw the need for 'boots on the ground' in so many situations, where all people needed for some hope was the soldier who was willing to put his live on the line for others. I felt selfish, to dream of being able to fly, without giving this same hope to children who could not ensure their own life beyond their next meal. Wearing a blue beret and enforcing order in chaos seemed a right thing to me then, even now.

Which leaves me in my dilemma now, which do I hold more dear? I need to give my best, but which one demands my effort? It's a feeling one should never have to feel, being torn over what to love more. I guess only time will tell me the answer. Sooner or later. Time will tell.

Don

Leaving for a jet plane

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye

But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn
The taxi's waitin', he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

I'm ...

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing

Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times that I won't have to say ...

Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

And I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

But I'm leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
(Ah ah ah ah)
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
Leaving on a jet plane
(Leaving) On a jet plane



And it's confirmed, I'm in the Air Force as of Friday. Flying off soon, to begin my training and hopefully be selected to stay on. It's funny, how I was always waiting for this to drop on my lap, to get out of commandos, but now, when I get it, it feels like the shit has hit the fan. I am going to miss my buddies with the red berets. I'm going to miss those 10km morning runs. I'm going to miss the field. Ok, everything about the field but the rations...

Never thought about who will send me off, it feels awkward to say goodbye. At least for me, I never was one of those who could handle farewells well...I hope it's a flight at 2am or something, save me the fuss of having to say goodbye and blow kisses off and looking back over the shoulder. Just drag the duffel bag along, board the plane and look forward to sunrise on the coast down under.

Life is rolling on faster. I hope I can catch up. Afterburners on, let's go all ahead full.

Don

Initiate rapid environmental restructuring, commandos...

Should be quite obvious I'm trying to make some new designs on this blog, but still very much a work in progress here, so bear with me. I don't have the luxury of this weekend to make the necessary changes, got to serve my nation by protecting it's "key installations".

They make it sound so nice, don't they? Key Installations Protection Force. Wow, wayang to the n-th degree. I'm most probably doing duty because someone in the camp doesn't like our singing or does not appreciate the amount of pride we have in our unit. Correction, amount of pride I have in my unit. I hardly see any of the other 'brothers-in-arms' around me feeling that swell in their throats and that tear in the eye when they see a red beret or hear the word 'commando'. It's a shame, the best combat unit and we have people who aren't inspired even to maintain minimum standards.

I love the army. Or at least I want to, though it is hardly giving me a chance to. The calibre of people I interact with, their level of faith and commitment makes me pause as to whether I am putting my hopes and dreams in the wrong place. My experiences continue to drain me, I feel stuck and plain disappointed. Lost.

Maybe that's not the word to use. A scout is never lost. Just temporarily disorientated. Here's to hoping I find my bearings soon, maybe today as I prowl the camp and keep it safe from terrorists who plan to initiate their own "rapid environmental restructuring" aka demolitions on my camp. Have many hours of soul-searching and intruder hunting to do, so I'm signing off.

Auspicium Melioris Aevi, truly.
Don