Into the darkness

Another short break before heading in again, this time for a longer haul. Booking in to field camp tonight, going over for a little adventure on another island. Not sure what to expect out in the field, but if it's anything close to scouting, then I think I'm in for a ride.

It seems to have become an endless cycle, this ritual of booking in and out. I don't know if it's fatigue or just plain boredom, but I'm starting to get the numbness, feeling an emotional desert when I book in and out. There doesn't seem to be anything to look forward to whether in or out of camp, just the same old cycle. I hope something comes along to break up the routine, it's starting to get to me, and paying the Institute of Mental Health a visit isn't exactly something I want on my calender.

Range and the idea of live rounds does give a kick, albeit a small one. I know all about the shitty feeling one gets when you stay too long out in the field, and that is going to be a major obstacle for everyone to overcome once we're out there. Range and grenades only serve as a temporary distraction, there's got to be more to keep one sane out there. Maybe the stars.

I forget, when was the last time I just looked up and appreciated the night sky. Seems like forever, but I vaguely recall looking up one night in camp, when all was dark and quiet, and the stars spanned the entire night sky. I had a dream, once so long ago, just to reach out and touch the stars. That childhood desire to reach to the heavens, be an astronaut, explore new worlds, wear cool-looking EVA suits and make Darth-Vader breathing noises. That dream faded, as did childhood and those younger times. Like I said to the Air Force interviewer who asked me what happened to my childhood dream to fly. "I'm no longer a child." But growing up, have I started to dream bigger dreams, or let reality shape those dreams smaller?

That final frontier, can we hope to explore it? In a world so troubled by strife and suffering, where even the human capacity for compassion and empathy seems limited, is the human desire to explore the unknown a valid one? A necessary one?

"Mankind is led into the darkness beyond our world by the inspiration of discovery, and the longing to understand"
-President Bush, Address to the nation on the loss of Space Shuttle Columbia

I dream the old dream.