Watch Your Front

It's been a long two weeks, spending a majority of it in the field. I'm totally burned out now, just came home from a gathering of my detachment. Few of us only, the others being totally off the bola and really not giving a shit about meeting up. "We see each other 7 days a week anyway." being the common line. Oh, and so is "My OC is a liar", "insert any imaginable line of complaint about life in the field". I don't get it, is kao bei so enjoyable? Must we be totally hypocritical and complain about everything under the sun, wait, everything including the sun? Everyone complains about the hot weather, then drinks up more then 12 litres of water everyday and pisses it all away all over the damn forest like water was free and easily available, forgetting that someone always had to fill all 100 jerry cans a few times a day. Everyone gets heat rash or abrasion, but don't give a damn about powdering down before sleeping, choosing to just plop down and go off to dreamland. Everyone gets cuts and bruises, but all act like babies and run to the medic expecting a quick fix-me-up all the time. Well guess what mother sons, you're in the army now. FORGET about living a comfortable, cushy life. YOU'RE a recruit, life is SUPPOSED to be tough. FIELD CAMP IS NOT A WALK IN THE PARK, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO EAT SOME SHIT, AND SWALLOW WITHOUT ASKING WHY.

I came into army expecting to come out a better person, I don't know what the rest of the company expected, but it seems more and more like they were expecting to be pampered. "3G army, where we get the gain without the pain." I think someone forgot what it meant to be a soldier. We sing the songs, to defend our land and our people with our lives, but don't mean it. They forget what it means to be an army, what it means to fight for what you stand for. Complacency has set in, and the "disease in the SAF" which my senior officers love to repeat is slowly eating away at the "thinking soldier", who thinks more of his own personal welfare and safety then the security of our nation, who wants to chao keng, run away, escape.

Retreat.

I fear what happens when the button is pressed, when push comes to shove, and Singapore has to stare an enemy in the eye. How many will hold the line? I know the regulars would, they understand the importance of what they have to do. But what about those whom we need to count on most, the man on the street? When that mobilization notice flashes, will he answer? From what I see, the picture ain't pretty. I hope that older generations, those who understand the value of our defensive force, do their part, because it seems the younger generation seem only interested in reaping without sowing.

I want to do my part in the army, but now that all depends on what comes out on 7th March, the release of my A level results. I'm sure of my role in the army, in wanting to correct the 'disease' any way I can, and also to protect all that I love and cherish. The senior officers in our company, some of them having spent more than 20 years in the army, pass on their experience but more importantly, their fervour in maintaining Singapore the way they got it when they were recruits. A place of opportunity, safe and secure, and always ready to adapt to the next coming age.

I stand at the crossroads now, one week before A levels, two weeks before passing out, the future of my life to be revealed in the time ahead. In two weeks, I will know where to go. But for now, I can only do one thing. Be ready, and watch my front.

Don

Into the darkness

Another short break before heading in again, this time for a longer haul. Booking in to field camp tonight, going over for a little adventure on another island. Not sure what to expect out in the field, but if it's anything close to scouting, then I think I'm in for a ride.

It seems to have become an endless cycle, this ritual of booking in and out. I don't know if it's fatigue or just plain boredom, but I'm starting to get the numbness, feeling an emotional desert when I book in and out. There doesn't seem to be anything to look forward to whether in or out of camp, just the same old cycle. I hope something comes along to break up the routine, it's starting to get to me, and paying the Institute of Mental Health a visit isn't exactly something I want on my calender.

Range and the idea of live rounds does give a kick, albeit a small one. I know all about the shitty feeling one gets when you stay too long out in the field, and that is going to be a major obstacle for everyone to overcome once we're out there. Range and grenades only serve as a temporary distraction, there's got to be more to keep one sane out there. Maybe the stars.

I forget, when was the last time I just looked up and appreciated the night sky. Seems like forever, but I vaguely recall looking up one night in camp, when all was dark and quiet, and the stars spanned the entire night sky. I had a dream, once so long ago, just to reach out and touch the stars. That childhood desire to reach to the heavens, be an astronaut, explore new worlds, wear cool-looking EVA suits and make Darth-Vader breathing noises. That dream faded, as did childhood and those younger times. Like I said to the Air Force interviewer who asked me what happened to my childhood dream to fly. "I'm no longer a child." But growing up, have I started to dream bigger dreams, or let reality shape those dreams smaller?

That final frontier, can we hope to explore it? In a world so troubled by strife and suffering, where even the human capacity for compassion and empathy seems limited, is the human desire to explore the unknown a valid one? A necessary one?

"Mankind is led into the darkness beyond our world by the inspiration of discovery, and the longing to understand"
-President Bush, Address to the nation on the loss of Space Shuttle Columbia

I dream the old dream.

From Zero to Hero

A hero. What does it take to become one? Doing the courageous thing? Daring to live your dream? Or the classic Black Hawk Down definition, "Nobody asks to be a hero. It just turns out that way." Like the guy in the picture, a lieutenant who flew into the hornet's nest, saw that some troops on the ground needed his help, and went in to knock out a couple of Japanese Zeroes. He flew to the rescue, twice, each time putting his life on the line, so that some other person could get away with his.

I'm seeing my inspiration in my own sergeant. He is truly the professional soldier, taking his job seriously and our training even more seriously. He's been to Iraq as part of Singapore's contribution to the reconstruction effort there. He has pride in his work, and takes the time and effort he deems necessary to get stuff done, right. Too bad we only get him for the first 3 months, and I'm probably shipping out anyway to be like Lieutenant Hanson.

I wonder if I'm truly ready to start the next phase of my life, ending years of study to exchange for another life, to be a pilot or a professional soldier. I'm sure about signing on, much to my parent's discomfort, because I believe in the mission of the SAF as not only to protect Singapore, but also as an extension of its diplomatic arm. Send me anywhere I need to be to make a difference, I don't want to be cooped in an office cubicle, like my sergeant likes to put it. I guess it's just a bit overwhelming to decide the rest of your life on a single form, signing off 12 years of my life to the armed forces. But it's been done by so many before me, and if I heard correctly, by too many these few years. Hope I get my chance to fly the Rafale / Eurofighter / Apache, top of the line. I don't mind being a high class taxi driver or lorry driver, but given a chance, I rather be thrown in a fighter and just set loose.

Heard the State of the Union a few mornings back, when the fever bug caught me and didn't let go. The ending of the speech caught me, political theatrics and all, "Each age is a dream that is dying, or one that is coming to birth. And we live in the country where the biggest dreams are born. The abolition of slavery was only a dream - until it was fulfilled. The liberation of Europe from fascism was only a dream - until it was achieved. The fall of imperial communism was only a dream - until, one day, it was accomplished. Our generation has dreams of its own, and we also go forward with confidence." I don't see my life as an age which is passing, I'm not that important, but what Bush has to say seems to have parallels to each person's life. One stage of life passes, no more schooling, but as it dies, another stage takes over, new dreams and aspirations. Will I grow out of this period, when the dream of making a difference dies out, replaced by other priorities like finding love or settling down, or will this dream grow on me?

I'm going to live my dream, but hey, it's not for me to decide where it takes me. It just turns out that way.

Don